the honeymoon

Today is Day/Night 13 AF , my husband and my son have just poured themselves a drink, of course I would  have loved to join them… but they know how to stop after one, while I would finish the bottle and then get upset if there’s nothing else in the house…or worse…. I take the car out to get some more somewhere…

But today I am feeling very strong and confident… and… after the first few horrible nights of withdrawal have passed ….dare I say it….hopeful

Mornings are a particular welcome surprise… I don’t do mornings usually… well at least not for the last few years… I am a night owl by nature… but even night owls sometimes like to see the dawn…. well … not me…. I am ( was ) as grumpy as f$%%k at least until  midday… and suddenly…. here I am…getting up at 7 am … housework done before 9, walking the dog….. hmm….. there’s something very weird about all this and I think I  might have just figured out what!

It is just like ….

falling in love … that heady feeling, the excitement, the newness of it all , the getting dressed up, cleaned up freshness of a pending date, each day is thrilling, the joy of waking up to the new me , my lover – sobriety, fills my thoughts, all day calls me, woes me, has me tingling with anticipation for another night of  guiltless bliss, spending an oh so wonderful contended ( albeit slightly self-satisfied) evening together, just me and him… in the company of a glass of sparkling water… dreaming of a wonderful happy future together…. 

it‘s just like …

once upon a time there was a fair maiden…. she met a prince… they fell in love…. they married and lived happily ever after….. the end…..

well…. 

it’s just like…..

when did that ever happen???? 

So where is the wicked witch? the ugly sister? the wacky stepmother? or worse ….. where is REALITY??? when is it going to hit? and how? and where? 

the reality of : ‘okay… lover, partner, friend….. I am sick of you… I want to be just my old self again…. pissed at night, grumpy in the mornings… how dare you criticize me and my choices… I only know you for a few weeks so don’t tell me what I can or can’t do…..YOU are an overrated, overbearing sanctimonious..so and so… and I managed quite well without you… So piss off and let me get back to the bottle!’    That sounds more like reality to me… 

it’s just like….

I really don’t want that to happen…. no fair maiden, no prince…. no Disney version….but a serious long term relationship is what I have in mind…..warts and all, fights, shouting matches ( not the preferred option but hey…. ) and a slow growing old together…..

it’s just like…..

THE END ????

…. to be continued….

 

One day in May

… I had the great idea to get myself sober by blogging about my journey… It felt sooo good…. for about what? Two days? And then another failure …..another 3 months of doing so much damage to myself ….

Today is different… yeah right- that’s what they all say…. well today is Day 8 of sobriety, of getting my act together because as  

Andy Dufresne says- you either get busy living or you get busy dying 

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